[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
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Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.