*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
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me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Where’s my employee discount too?
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come