[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
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I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.