[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
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“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.