[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
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Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.