[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
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A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
The USS B port
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason