At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
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I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
New menu item
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.