At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
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Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
repaired
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.