I am all good here, 馃槀馃槈
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
me: i鈥檓 sorry i haven鈥檛 been on twitter much lately, my employer says i鈥檓 expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i鈥檓 essential.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don鈥檛 have to get up so don鈥檛 wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Beware…..
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
With the rise of self driving cars, it鈥檚 only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy鈥檚 truck leaves him too.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there鈥檚 that.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.