*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
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(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Who says great literature is dead?
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.