*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
You Might Also Like
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.