[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
You Might Also Like
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Story of my life…..
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you