[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
This is what makes twitter great
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.