[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
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coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
*seductively corrects your posture*
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY