**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
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Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling