I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
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Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.