[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
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I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
This forever.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Tier 3 meme
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
#Caturday
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
When you’re Kinky but poor
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!