[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
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me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.