[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
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Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
reviewed some movies recently
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake