[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
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Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i鈥檒l be dead
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
馃槀馃挴
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what鈥檚 your bosses name?
Me: I can鈥檛 tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don鈥檛 remember, Linda
馃幎I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair馃幎
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed