*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
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Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
was Jim off killing horses or…
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.