[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
You Might Also Like
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.