(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
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A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok