[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
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Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
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Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.