[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
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I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.