*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
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My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
water it, i dare you
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”