*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
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Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
#ProTip
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally