[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
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You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
japanese corn
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.