[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
You Might Also Like
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.