[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
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Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings