At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
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I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?