*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
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There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?