*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
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Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”