[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
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man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.