At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
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god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure