[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
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Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.