[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
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Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!