You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
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When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.