[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
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All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
who wants to go expliring
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.