[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
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My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
The answer is funnier than the question
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
we all know this pain all too well
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work