[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
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5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Yes
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”