at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo