@ElgatoEsmio: At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
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@MelKassel: SCIENTIST: it's our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
@charstarlene: Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your 'Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
@PJTLynch: Wife: Wow, I'm tired Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I'll make dinner [Five minutes later] Me: Honey, I think we're out of..."oven"?