At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
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Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Möther may I have a snäck
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.