@ElgatoEsmio: At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
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@matt___nelson: "I think you'll like her. She's smart, funny, and a libra" I've never met a libra *is super disappointed when date isn't a lion zebra mix*
@3sunzzz: The closest I've ever come to being a 'hunter and gatherer' is opening my own pistachios.
@Ristolable: The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
@SerialFuckup: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.