@see_more13: At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52"
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@murrman5: [the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up] *looks at driving test instructor* "finally"
@Hect0rMayorga: They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion "The true grease stain remover"
@eedrk: doctor: you know how to measure your bowel movements me: yeah of course doctor: you weigh yourself before and after me: [15 Sec pause] yeah
@stephenjmolloy: [Every restaurant ever] Manager: "Has he got a mouthful of food?" Waiter: "Yes." Manager: "Go and ask him how his meal is."