At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
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me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately