[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
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whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies