[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
You Might Also Like
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
how it started vs how it ended
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them