(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
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[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN