Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
You Might Also Like
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
awkward
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.