[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
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Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping