@noog: At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know.
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@EnvysDeadNana: I'm not above apologizing for my drunken behavior I'm just sick of repeating myself
@chilldadpalguy: name a hurricane "Jesus" cuz then u could say "Jesus is coming" & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
@ibid78: "You know why I pulled you over?" "Does anyone know why anyone's pulled over?" "Wow. You're free to go." "Is anyone free?" "Oh you're good."
@PetrickSara: Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I'm not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.