At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
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“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes